I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
