that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
