I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
