My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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