I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was born a porn star she said
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
