I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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