Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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