i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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