you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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