sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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