I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
