This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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