It's Friday. Sex?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Watching her eat just hurts me
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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