On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
