This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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