dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
All I want is dick and wine.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
