so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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