Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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