you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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