I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
