I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
