My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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