oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
