I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
