I cannot find my penis.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
