You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
