is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
