I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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