Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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