The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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