I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
