Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
