dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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