Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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