never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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