My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I could make wine with my vomit
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
