I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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