I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize