no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
