i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
