I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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