i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
