My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
