you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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