U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
