Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
