i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
