I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Too much gin, very little bucket
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
