U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
