My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
