I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
