I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
