I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
