I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
