I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
