david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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