i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
