Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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