Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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