Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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