I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
