you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
