I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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