So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
