I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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