The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize