If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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