a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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