Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
