i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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