this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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