you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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