i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
